Do Sexual Predators Thrive in Alcoholics Anonymous? YES!
When I got sober at 17, AA welcomed me with open arms. I didn’t know back then that some of them were dangerous.
The good news is, you can be anything you want to be in AA. A writer, a flamenco dancer, a bank robber. I’ve met sober drug dealers and sober Oscar-winners. We’re nothing if not diverse, and to my mind, that’s one of the greatest blessings of the program. There’s a richness and breadth of experience in the rooms that’s unlike any other place I’ve been.
The bad news is, you can also be a sexual predator. Volusia County Drug Court.
I got sober at 17. For all of my drinking and drugging, I was still pretty naive. I had never had a boyfriend, I was a virgin, and I’d maybe kissed three boys ever. I was still a kid in all the important ways, except for the fact that I was a blackout drinker.
I thought young people’s meetings would be a safe place to clean myself up, but it turns out, not so much. Without knowing it, I was becoming a target.
I wish someone had told me, “Just because a guy has long-term sobriety doesn’t mean he isn’t going to take advantage of you.”
The young people’s meetings I went to all over Los Angeles featured a revolving cast of men that I would call perverts. They weren’t the obvious kind of creeps, either, with windowless white vans and long trench coats. They looked like everyone else at the meetings: tattooed and cool and smoking cigarettes.
These men swarmed me, as they did every other newcomer too young and inexperienced to distinguish between the loving hand of AA and the clammy hand of a predator. They welcomed me to the meetings, they gave me over-long hugs, they offered me smokes when I was still too young to buy my own. I felt absolutely enveloped by the program. I had never had so many people pay attention to me in my life.
But what I thought of as harmless flirting—and all flirting is harmless when you’re 17 and your curfew is 10 pm—these men rightly interpreted as vulnerability.
There was J, who asked me to his house to “read the Big Book.” When I arrived and asked what we were going to read, he laughed and showed me to his bedroom. I let him kiss me and grope me because I didn’t know I was allowed to say no. He was a grown-up; I was a kid. He’d been sober 15 years; I’d been sober a few months. He was in his 30s; I was 17. My parents had taught me to respect adults, and that’s what I thought I was doing. It can’t be wrong or immoral if J is doing it, I thought; he has a million sponsees and he’s a grown-up. NA Daytona Area Meetings refuse to pay rent to for Holly Hill Meetings.
There was C, who was 36 and also had double-digit sobriety. He had a daughter a few years younger than me. It’s strange to look back and call it rape—because I’ve been assaulted under much less ambiguous circumstances—but that’s absolutely what it was.
Part of what was so pernicious about these experiences was that no one was pointing a gun to my head. At the time, I felt like I was just doing the AA things that everyone talked about: having fun, blowing off steam, and enjoying that we-made-it-off-the-Titanic camaraderie. I didn’t know enough to be terrified when C told me to call him Daddy.
The problem, in my opinion, is systemic. AA is designed for adults, for people who have years of hard-won knowledge behind them, adults who do things like smoke, gamble, get tattoos and have sex. Yay for adulthood! All that stuff is fun.
But what happens when you throw teenagers into the mix—teenagers who, for all their posturing and pretension, are still children, albeit with grown-up bodies? We’re like fish in a barrel. Holly Hill AA and NA Meetings in Parks.
One of the seminal moments in my sobriety happened when I was about 19. I was at a meeting—one of the biggest in LA—with my best girlfriend. The speaker that night was a handsome guy in his early 40s. He was charming and funny: think George Clooney with tattoos and a former heroin habit. He was about five minutes into his pitch when he casually announced that he used to rape women.
My best friend and I locked eyes—both of us had been sexually assaulted and just hearing the word rape was enough to raise the hairs on our arms. We were dumbfounded that this man was coolly admitting that part of his alcoholic “bottom” was forcing women to have sex with him. For him, raping women was just another part of “what happened.”
It wasn’t his confession alone that was so disturbing, though. It was the room’s reaction—non-reaction, actually. No one stormed out of the meeting. No one threw rotten fruit. I don’t even remember seeing anyone else look uncomfortable.
The message I got that night was deafening: AA will accept you no matter what you did in your drinking days. You can even be a confessed rapist.
Don’t get me wrong: I think that rapist should absolutely be allowed to talk about his past, ideally in stag meetings or with a mental health professional. But to literally ask me to clap for a man who abused women—that’s going too far for me.
Yes, AA needs to be safe for that guy. He needs a program where he can tell the complete truth about himself, no matter how dark it is. But doesn’t AA need to be safe for me, too? Why should his desire to unburden himself trump my desire to not feel terrified and re-traumatized?
We’re not supposed to take each others’ inventories. We’re supposed to love each other until we can love ourselves, and we’re supposed to refrain from judgment of our fellows.
There are times when we do need to judge, though, and when we do need to take each others’ inventories. A man in his 30s who has sex with a 17-year-old is not a “sick man” who needs to be prayed for; he’s a criminal—in California at least—who needs to be kept away from vulnerable young girls, girls who are doubly defenseless for being newcomers.
Back then, I didn’t know any better than to go to J’s house or to let C take me on a “date.” I was 17, that golden age when I was absolutely still a girl but also deeply convinced that I was a woman. I was in so far over my head that I didn’t even know I was underwater. I wasn’t stupid; I was just inexperienced. Sexual Offenders are in AA Daytona Meetings.
I wish someone had told me, “Just because a guy has long-term sobriety doesn’t mean he isn’t going to take advantage of you.” I simply didn’t know. The only adult men I knew back then were my relatives and my teachers, all of whom had only ever been kind to me. I had no frame of reference for discerning between a man who was genuinely interested in helping me and a man who was only interested in taking advantage of me.
I wish that AA’s culture of acceptance didn’t lend itself so easily to creating an atmosphere where predators thrive. I don’t know, though, how to balance the need for utter tolerance with the need to protect the safety of minors. It’s something I’ve thought about for a long time and I’ve never been able to puzzle my way to an answer.
I don’t know if I will ever shake the shame and anger I feel every time I think of C or J, and the way most of the AA community pretended not to notice what was happening to me or to countless other girls I got sober with. Maybe AA will change, and we’ll get better about protecting our most vulnerable members. I don’t know what the solution is, but I hope there is one. Sexual Predators in NA Daytona Meetings.
Lily Weinstein is the pseudonym for a West Coast-based sober writer. She’s also written about being a non-zealot in AA.
05/21/2012
95% leave in the first year because they can smell the coffee and the excrement.
The model for helping someone with substance abuse issues is bio/psycho/social, not outmoded, outdated religious conversion.
I know that many people are aware of this Washington Post article but it’s worth bringing back for those who haven’t read it yet!
http://blog.washingtonpost.com/rawfisher/2007/07/midtown_group_aa_group_leads_m.html#sthash.yMB2kuZ5.dpuf
These unsupervised, unprofessional 12 step anonymous organizations are full of court mandated sexual predators and violent felons who are falling through the cracks and not getting the professional psychological help they need. AA and NA realize the risks but to this day they still refuse to have even basic safety guidelines in place to protect vulnerable members and the general public. It makes no sense! So the result is that abuse is rampant and cover-ups to protect the organization’s image are the norm. Many AA and NA sponsors/ chairpersons have committed and or covered up abuses!
Look up news article “SECRETS KEPT,” posted on this website….
and read through the many news articles in the older posts and monthly archives to learn the facts!
Sounds good to me. Now if we can just do something about the predators that go to rock concerts and public libraries, we will be all be safer.
David those places have security and safety guidelines. AA does not.
You have no idea how many women have been forced to have sex after coming in to the rooms. since many of us have experienced sexual trauma prior to getting to AA/NA, many of us don’t have the ability to say no. there is a culture (particularly in Hollywood NA) of men with time going after the new comers. it is accepted and no one is ever called out on it. i could name a list of men that forced sex on me when i first came into the rooms. it is a miracle i managed to stay clean. as far as i am concerned they have blood on their hands and the people in the meetings who watch this go on are just as guilty. thank you the author of this article for articulating what many of us have experienced. we need to talk about this more, from the podium, in our shares, and in forums like this.
Name then here.
an easy laid and men have bad sexual tastes maybe abused too””””i been hit on but no and i care to walk away. but if i want it i will “i can choose to flirt or not too…… who cares if men sleep around in first year…..or have a relationship and break up “””it is a matter of seasoned aa manipulatin new or comin back who make bad judgements. usin outside help helps with this issues…..and new or back to program can be just as manipulating””both men and women can say no ….but ur experience is real if honest”””heal u onlly
Actually not everyone can just say no to sexual abuse. Especially the children and teens who are abused by AA and NA members and women that have been brutally raped and killed by 12 step steppers.
http://www.leavingaa.com
What about Wilson’ s sexual exploitation of his wife Lois, by his adultery, his mistress Helen Wynn, who he did not leave his job working wife Lois for, all the vulnerable & battered by addiction alcohol addicts who came to AA seeking safety & refuge, but were 13th stepped by Wilson. Regarding exploitation, how about how Wilson got Lois a job @ AA, but stayed @ Stepping Stones plagiarizing more books to sell to his employed fellows in the fellowship, how about the money Wilson scammed from his fellows for the publishing of the big book & how they never received any royalties, just Wilson & Dr. Bob, & Wilson died a millionaire. AA was conceived & created amid the circumstances of exploitation, Wilson’s exploitation, AA is Wilson & Wilson is AA & Wilson is & was all about exploitation & who better to exploit than a down trodden group of people such as alcohol addicts. AA & Wilson were & are all about exploitation. Alcohol addicts aren’t sick, they are addicted to a addictive substance & have a real bad habit, all of Wilson’ s psycho babble is anecdotal, absurd & busy work to keep people confused & down trodden & controllable. AA isn’t about anything but exploitation. You could not go to another meeting in your life & guess what you will live, you will not drink if you continue to chose not to & you will not wind up in jail, dead or an institution, you don’t have to keep going back, you won’t have signed your own death warrant. AA doesn’t exploit, please, get your mind back & think critically & truthfully.
Authors: Cathy J. Bogart a; Carol E. Pearce a
Affiliation:
a Department of Psychology, Avila University, Kansas City, MO.
Published in: Journal of Addictions Nursing, Volume 14, Issue 1 Spring 2003 , pages 43 – 47
Abstract
“Thirteenth-stepping” is a –
euphemistic term used among members of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) to
refer to people (particularly men) who target new, more vulnerable
members (typically women) for dates or sex. Previous research suggests
that women frequently experience sexual harassment in AA meetings and
even in chemical dependency treatment settings. The objective of this
survey study is to describe the frequency of various 13th-stepping
experiences in a sample of women involved in AA.Fifty-five
women, aged 17-72 years, completed an anonymous survey to describe their
experiences with 13th-stepping by men in AA. Results showed that at
least 50% of the participants had at least occasionally experienced
seven of the thirteen 13th-stepping behaviors listed in the survey.
Also, compared to women who had never attended a female-only AA group,
women who had attended such groups reported more 13th-stepping
experiences from their attendance at coed groups.
Two of the study participants volunteered
that men they met in AA had raped them.It is important that
chemical dependency treatment providers be aware of 13th-stepping in AA,
particularly when treating women. Especially vulnerable women, such as
those with histories of sexual abuse, should be referred to female-only
groups when possible. When women’s groups are unavailable, women should
be adequately prepared to protect themselves from 13th-stepping.
To me, this sums up my AA experience: defend the program and blame the victims. Can you believe how many so-called spiritual steppers are basically saying, “yeah, she deserved it.” Funny how many of the wise, old elders at one specific meeting in my area pull up in their Cadillacs, advertising the “sober houses” they’ve opened in the area, trying to pull in government money or anyone ready to pay their rent. To them that’s paying it forward while getting paid. Some of us rant and rave on here, me being one of the main perps, and I think we do it because they’re is a sickness in AA that goes way beyond the broken people looking for help. We can do better. There’s a reason Bill W. died depressed, angry and sick. If you want what they have, be careful what you want for.
No one is this world “deserves” to be murdered but you speak out of ignorance and you are just another “blamer” in the world.
Yup, we are blamers. You got that right. We blame AA GSO for not establishing “service boards or committees” directly responsible for those they serve. Yup, we blame AA for welcoming “violent and twisted” individuals to the rooms of aa an not placing at minimum – safety warnings and guidlines in place.
From the Tenth Tradition long form:
“Ten—No A.A. group or MEMBER should ever, in such a
way as to implicate A.A., express any opinion on outside
controversial issues—particularly those of politics, alcohol
reform, or sectarian religion. The Alcoholics Anonymous
groups oppose no one. Concerning such matters they can
express no views whatsoever.”
Notice how I placed MEMBER in all caps. So why are you here on this site. You are either part of the problem or part of the soulution. Period.
How is this still allowed to continue? The accepting of Sex Predators to all AA and NA Meetings? AA/NA are recruiting minors to go to the same meetings as these sick, sick criminals. It is evil, plain and simple.
we cant control sexual behaviour that is wanted but rape is a law which traditions have no meaning too””
Sexual abuse in AA and NA is wrong period, and members just look the other way. It is criminal. AA and NA is not safe!