This is stalking awareness month. Stalking comes in many forms including online stalking. AA members are known for stalking anti-AA bloggers. Many cannot handle any criticism of the 12 steps, The Big Book or Bill W. Bloggers beware. But there is also many other forms of stalking and it can lead to death. I cannot believe this article below actually tells people that might think they are a stalker, to go to AA meetings and Al-anon meetings! I mean we already have the courts mandating stalkers to 12 step programs. So before you go to an AA or NA meeting, or a 12 step based co-dependency support group (CoDA) realize you could be sitting next to a stalker thanks to our courts and others who think it is a fine idea!
” It is a form of harassment and can lead to death. If you have stalking tendencies, there are things you can do to prevent yourself from being a stalker as well. The majority of them have an obsessive pattern which they lose control of. They become co-dependent upon the person, which means they believe they cannot exist without the other person. Going to a Co-Dependency group can help as can going to AA or Al-Anon. Stalkers usually self medicate with drugs and/or drinking as well.”
Understanding who and why the stalker stalks
Understanding the way a stalker thinks is important in understanding what you should do as a person being stalked. There are several kinds of stalkers and some of them are more dangerous to their victims than others. One thing is pretty universal. It begins with an obsession. Stalkers are usually socially alone, most likely live alone, and they can be very charming when they first meet you. This is why they are unexpected. The most common time to stalk is after a breakup and they begin by being a rejected stalker. Their perception of feeling insulted after the breakup and their need to get even is what motivates them to begin harassing their ex.
- The intimacy-seeking stalker is usually delusional. They actually get it into their head that the victim loves them or will love them if they pursue her/him.
- The socially backward stalker is socially awkward and has no idea what the social norms are with dating. Their stalking is more a result of their social ineptness.
- The predator. This stalker is the most dangerous and he uses sexual gratification and violence to get his way. He is abusive and many times has never met his obsession. This guy is disturbing because he plans meticulously how he will stalk, and he experiences sexual fantasies with the planning and rehearsing of his plan.
If you begin getting any of these warning signs from someone you dated or someone you don’t know, but work in a visible field such as media, medical staff, post office employee, teacher, or other related fields, it is wise to take caution.
- You begin getting phone calls or numerous emails immediately after seeing the person.
- They become clingy and somewhat forceful with wanting to see you, and are upset if you aren’t available.
- They make demands that are unreasonable for the amount of time you know them (don’t be flattered by thinking you are so delightful they cannot help themselves).
There are things you can do immediately with these red flags that will help you in the future. The first thing is to recognize it isn’t normal behavior. Some stalkers are charming and can fool you.
- Tell everyone you know what’s going on. Tell your friends, parents, employer, or anyone who makes you feel safer.
- If the stalker begins making any threats toward, you call the police. Thinking it’s no big deal or that you can handle it is not wise. No one can know the extremes a stalker will attempt, so it is better safe than sorry.
- Don’t allow yourself to entertain the stalker by conversing with them. Be firm that you want nothing to do with them. When the stalker perceives you are rejecting him/her, they may use violence against you (stalkers are not emotionally healthy), so this is an excellent time to talk to the police and let them know of any conversations you have had.
- Save everything written or said by the stalker. If you press charges, the more evidence you have of his/her threats and behavior, the more likely he/she will be held accountable.
As I mentioned early in this article, stalking is sometimes related to funny stories, but there is nothing funny about stalking. It is a form of harassment and can lead to death. If you have stalking tendencies, there are things you can do to prevent yourself from being a stalker as well. The majority of them have an obsessive pattern which they lose control of. They become co-dependent upon the person, which means they believe they cannot exist without the other person. Going to a Co-Dependency group can help as can going to AA or Al-Anon. Stalkers usually self medicate with drugs and/or drinking as well. Building a social network is important also, as many stalkers live isolated lives. With all problems, the first step is to look inside and be honest with yourself that you have a problem. With this situation, being honest with yourself may save your life as well as the person you are having a relationship with. In Texas a great co-dependency support group is CoDA of Texas. Search for the group on Google to find dates and times of support groups.- Mary Jo Rapini
If he has a restraining order to stay away from her than that would extend to AA meetings. You or she should call the police, and also as a group you can decide by the very fact he has been so disruptive another member had to get a restraining order that he be banned from the meetings for safety reasons. You group can make that choice.
maybe you can help.
I am Birgit from Denmark. One of my sponsees is and has been stalked by a “fellow AA”. The police has been involved, and she is waiting for the trial, and result of the case. In the meantime The stalker goes to meetings, stlll… where he knows that she might be…He has a “restraining orders” not to contact her,not sure in English..
Our AA group knows about her case, and we try to back her up, but we cannot stop him from coming to the meetings, what to do? He is spoiling our group.
I have seen the same situation in my 12-step group in the USA. I was helpful towards a newcomer who became impossible to shake. What helped in this situation was telling my fellow members about it, 1/1, so that we could help establish a meeting culture around keeping the meetings emotionally safe. Having said that, I agree that there should be a way in extreme cases to set this boundary. In the USA, the stalkee can get a restraining order against the stalker, which would stop them from intruding on the meetings.